Both the content and the construction of this video are very telling of how I'm surviving even though the torment of my body- far from subsiding- has increased, and the medicines I have available to me do not effectively deaden the pain or spasms or address the other related issues.I've always loved nature, and by soaking it in I find peace and experience God. I barely even watched TV when I was a child, I was always outdoors.
So its very fortunate that when my body went kaput, I was in a place where I could so easily access and behold nature- weather, plans, animals. Those three months I couldn't walk, I could still look outside and see birds on the feeder, the dogs playing in the snow, and scenes like the one in the picture above.
Its nice that I can move around now, but the dynamic is really no different. I am so fascinated by plants and animals and weather that I can get distracted by watching them or taking pictures and video of them... that time I spend focused on the beauty around me outside, or in honing and presenting it in a video, is about the closest I come to having relief from my promethean torments these days.
The other things which are powerful enough to draw me out of my own personal daily hell are
- Touching, talking, being with Tess
- Lending an ear to a friend or family member
- Engaging and embracing the beauty of the natural world by working with it in the yard.
Indeed... one day in the hospital was especially dark... so dark we didn't think I'd be here assiduously NOT talking about it now. I got through that day by holding Tess, working on a rug, and lending an ear to a friend in need.
Before I went to the Seminary, I most communed with God by helping people in sorrow and by being in nature. Nothing has really changed there.
Perhaps that will help you understand why I'm not angry at God about this. God has provided me a safe, comfortable, beautiful place to live where I can always experience Him through His Creation.
God has given me Tess now for 15 years.
He's given me people who love me, and who need my love... people who help me and who need my help.
I don't expect God to be some sort of prayer-operated vending machine. He's under no obligation to relieve me of pain or restore my health. He has been true to His promises though, the way He always has been.
Its DEEPLY ironic, but in this time when my body and mind alike are greatly impaired, I am the most fully and richly me I've been in ages. It all comes down to embracing and being surrounded by
- Beauty in nature
- Love
- Truth
And receiving them with gratitude. Sure, it takes a lot of creativity to get through each day, but its that very creativity which gets me through.
Creativity first takes me out of myself- which is a good thing, something I desperately need given the pain, torment, turmoil of my body and nervous system.
Then it fills me with peace and beauty... my words don't reach far enough to quite make this connection, but maybe if I say it this way:
- Creativity for me is a form of meditation / prayer ... creating art is not primarily a manual act but an existential experience.
That'll have to do. The video and my discussion of it is below. You'll see that this video quite well fits in to the sort of pattern I described earlier today... it wasn't at all technically challenging... the major "tasks" for me were cutting out the parts of the video where there were no hummingbirds (I shot these on a tripod for 10 minute spells the last couple of mornings) and finding the right music. Beethoven's Tempest is PERFECT for these frantic, frenetic creatures!
But taking time to do these things did me more good than taking any of the score of pills I've taken today... and such is usually the case. Even when I take the maximum amount of medicine I'm allowed, my perception of pain never drops below a 7 on the pain scale.
Of course without a high end camera of the sort they use for "time warp" its impossible to catch the action of these frenetic fellows, but I love the way the sunlight catches them in the morning, and they often perch on this feeder.
The music is public domain from musopen.org, played by Paul Pitman
The segue image is an old public domain image from a Russian language encyclopedia
The music suits the subject perfectly, and when when my body itself is in a tempest, I need to embrace and loose myself in beauty.
For more on this piece of music see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piano_Sonata_No._17_(Beethoven)
For more on hummingbirds, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hummingbird
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruby-throated_Hummingbird
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