Stale Tears

I've never been one of these guys who thinks that crying is unmanly. I seem to be in the minority on this, and I've paid the price- "sissy," "cry baby," "wuss"... If I could compost all the crap I've gotten for being intensely emotional, I'd have enough top soil to cover an area of the state of Kansas 2 meters deep.

But right now, I'm sick of crying... don't like it one bit.

Its because when I cry now, I weep stale tears.

Each time, its the same tears I've been wringing out of my soul's agony since this started. They're six months old now... and what's the point?

Usually when you cry about something, its like the dam bursts, the tears flood out, and then you're OK.

Not so now... I can spend hours sobbing as muscle spasms go cascading through my body and the torrent of torment rages, and an hour later... they're back... the same stale tears.

I'm OK with the idea of a "strategic retreat" - curling up with Tess and a good movie, or one of the pups and a show about guns or military strategy. That's resting up so I can get up and continue outflanking pain.

But these stale tears... all they do is give the dogs something tasty to lick.

From Word Pictures - Inspiring Images & the Inspired Word

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I've been reluctant to post a lot about my experiences these months of overwhelming unrelenting torment.

I can't find words which are apt, and very often, I find I can't make words work at all.

I'm also not too keen to fumble for words and then find that someone has used my post to get in touch with their inner juvenile delinquent. There's always been a certain amount of incivility and flaming online... I was involved with Bulletin Board Services back when the term "flaming" was coined. What's different now is... it used to be a certain amount of effort and intelligence were required to verbally abuse someone. Now, we all possesses numerous devices and opportunities to engage in character assassination and hasten the extinction of civil discourse.

However my psychiatrist spoke very highly of my use of art and creativity in coping with this ordeal and finding ways to wring good out of life and find beauty. That convinced me that even if my posts are not as carefully crafted as before, they're still worth writing.

I know the phrase "stale tears" is very poignant... if the rest of this post made any sense... that's a bonus.