First you have to take as a logical ground: I'm a very loquacious person. I love interacting with people, and vivid writing which has good ear feel AND elaborate oral communication which has resonances with literature, philosophy, etc.
In both cases, my expression is a mix of linguistic registers. I do this so thoroughly that my communication is practically a motet, with the different registers in tension, sometimes complimentary, sometimes contradictory, always intentional.
If you've not heard of discourse being referred to as a "register" this article on the Wiki will bring you up to speed... or make your head explode... one or the other.
Given that... the physical torment I've been in the last half year presents a number of difficulties. Often times it renders me incoherent (at least by my standards.) I know that even stoned out of my gourd by pain or meds side effects I can babble more than most, and in such situations its a "through the lookinglass experience" to attempt to decipher me. Even without those, I can be a bad "Dennis Miller" twilight zone trip.
That was an eddy in my stream of consciousness. I'd edit it out were I in the state where I could do so with my usual skill, but I'm not.
AND THAT BRINGS US NICELY BACK TO POINT... Pain does interfere with my higher level thinking and functioning... quite a bit. I could go into lots of dreadfully dry details about how it does so, and they'd mean nothing to most of you because you only know me filtered through the media of blog entries, videos, photography, and other indirect exposure. Those who know me from physical reality... know instantly and without my explaining how much my edge is dulled, while most of you lack the context and history to comprehend this. That's problem #1
Problem #2 is... pain is BORING. There's nothing about it which is worth while. It creates nothing, builds nothing. It does not lead to higher states of awareness, rather quite the opposite... While the ways I experience this are many, its not as if there's any surprises in it. I have never had spasms cascade through my body and then blurt out a "Eureka" about an existential insight. The feeling of rabid dachshunds gnawing on my leg has never once inspired me to write a parable, take a photograph, compose a video.
I do take the somewhat controversial stance that there is no gain in pain, but I think I've established my credentials pretty well on the matter.
What good happens to, through, and by a person in pain happens in SPITE of it, not because of it.Such things can be profound and touching, and we have several cable networks which cater primarily to women which find such stories so engrossing that they can't find enough of them to make 5-boxes-of-tissues movies about.
Pain can bring out the best in other people. When we see someone else suffering and have the ability to tend to their needs, that is a blessing from God, for in such situations God has allowed us to be His coworkers in bringing grace and love and comfort to others.
So in the famous parable of the same name, good happened because the Samaritan acted to relieve the wounded man's pain... the good was in the love and compassion, not in the man's experience of pain!
That's a tributary which could very well be a river of its own, so I'll just leave it there and move along.
(I view my writing as if it were water... there's a whole big concept there, but now's not the time for iterating it.)
So... my points thus far are:
- Pain dulls my edge, clouds my mind
- Pain is very exhausting
- Pain does not enlighten, build, or grow anything
- The only good which can come from pain is when we help someone in it.
All of this feeds into where I started... pain is boring. I might as well go on and on about gravity or entropy.
I mention it as much as I do for two reasons:
ONE: Because I'm so skilled with visual arts, and even when out of my mind in pain I can usually toss words together effectively, it may SEEM to people who only see my "product" not my life that I'm not much impaired. I mention the severity of my experience and the limitations to provide a better and fuller context for understanding what I'm doing, with the hope that this understanding will lead to people making assessments and expectations of me which are proportionate to and appropriate for the situation.
TWO: I am always looking for the good which I can do IN SPITE OF pain, destruction, evil. There are other people out there who are suffering who can't speak up as well as I. One day, perhaps you will have such a sorry experience yourself. I find my greatest strength and sustanance in this situation to come from:
loosing myself in art
feasting on the beauty and joy which is around me, such as the birds at the feeder, tree rats and our pups in a stand off, the hawk soaring overhead, the babble of our brooks
Loving and being loved by others.
I think its of some consequence that these are the best things for me in spite of experiencing torments for which no language has an adequate means of expressing. For the full effect and significance of the blessings of art, nature, and dear people to be known and understood, the background of my physical ordeal needs to be well and firmly established.
This brings us finally to the end of this. So I will again include a picture from the artistic project which has brought me the most satisfaction.
If you can't track with any of this, compare the image above with this image
Sometimes its more the context which makes a picture than its content.
Pain is my context these days.
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